Guest post from my amazing and beautiful wife, Christa.

I just finished another semester of graduate school in my quest to become a professional counselor. Most of my classes are a mix between counseling students and people that want to be youth pastors and pastors. Some of the students are currently in ministry and came back to school because they realized they were doing more counseling than preaching.

It can sometimes be tough to be the go-to-girl or guy when someone has a problem, but dealing with sticky issues is a part of youth ministry. There are a few simple techniques that can very helpful when you are having those deep conversations with students.

Above all, realize that you don’t always have to know the right thing to say, and you definitely aren’t responsible for fixing everyone’s problems or all the church’s problems. I continually pray that God would give me wisdom and put the right words in my mouth. God promises to give wisdom without finding fault, so I know I can pray in confidence knowing that the Lord will provide.

The next important skill is to be a good listener. Make sure you know what the other person is saying and make sure they know you know. Here’s how:

• Be aware of your presence. Are you focused on what they are saying or are you distracted and looking around? Lean in, have an open posture, make eye contact, and allow yourself to respond to the emotion they are communicating.
• Restate or summarize what the person said to you, so they know you get it. A good formula is to say, “So, you feel (blank) because of (blank)?” Be genuine. If you don’t understand, it’s ok to ask questions.
• You can validate and empathize without agreeing with everything they are saying or taking sides. Hurt feelings that aren’t dealt with can easily become more serious problems, like bitterness, depression, or rebellion. A simple statement, like this one, can help a teen process a situation instead of letting their emotions fester and get worse: “Wow, it sounds like you were really hurt by what so-and-so said. Now you’re not sure if you even want to be their friend. That must be hard to deal with after all the time you’ve spent together.”
• Use probe words and prompts to get the whole story and let them know you’re listening. Ask for specifics when given broad generalizations.
• Gently challenge in a way that let’s them see the solution for themselves. Give them the chance to process with you and come up with the right choice.

“Teachable moments” and chances to give advice are much more meaningful when a person knows they have been heard and validated.

Let me know your thoughts and feel free to share more tidbits of wisdom. What do you do to help your teens know you care?

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