Youth Pastors Aren’t Replacement Parents
Why are youth pastors blamed for every bad thing any young person ever does in church?
And why do some parents put so much pressure on youth pastors to disciple their students, while taking little responsibility for their own kids’ spiritual lives?
These questions will probably continue to haunt us for a while, but it’s interesting to see study after study demonstrate just how influential parents can be (like this one, this one and this one).
Here’s the kicker. In spite of the incredible influence parents have on teens, they don’t use it. “The majority of children in America have less than 10 minutes of significant and meaningful conversation with their parents each week. If you remove the mother, you can measure this statistic in seconds.“ (It came from this article, although they did not mention a source.)
Youth pastors are not and cannot be replacement parents. In fact, instead of traditional “youth ministry stuff,” we might find that some of our time is best spent helping parents be better spiritual leaders in their own homes. What do you think?
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Amen! I actually had a woman come up to me in the church lobby a couple weeks ago because a couple of Jr High students (sitting in front of her … not with their parents) were screwing around during the service. I’m sure I said something polite and helpful, but I wanted to be like, “Woman - find their parents!”
Agreed about spending more time helping parents be better parents, but how? I’m fairly young, and not a parent myself, so they’re not often inclined to take parenting advice from me.
…nor can you really give parenting advice, as a youth pastor (or anyone…unless it’s requested). But what you can do, for one thing, is give parents examples of success that you know of where the parents took specific responsibility and the situation turned around.
also, disarm the parents by admitting your “weak” areas, so to speak. if you don’t have kids, let them understand that you’re not trying to be a know-it-all, because you realize you’re not in their shoes. if they’re looking for support and advice, have some parents ready to recommend to them who are successful.
if you come from the right angle, with an eye to be useful to the parent rather than chastise them or oversee their parenting, they’ll usually respect that.
yes, it’s important to be “on the cusp” of what’s going on in youth culture, but it’s far more important to do all you do in an attitude of love and servanthood. love goes a long, long way.
I hear you guys.
I agree with Lex. As a 24 year old youth pastor with no kids, it can be tough to get parents to listen sometimes. What I’ve found working in my own ministry is that when I stay as on top of youth culture as I possibly can, when I can acurately predict to parents what their kids are going to be interested in and the kinds of struggles they’re facing, the parents are much more inclined to listen to my advice on how they can relate to their student about it.
It’s almost like the OT prophets who were proven to be men of God by whether or not their predictions came true. As we continually communicate to parents “Hey, this is what is hot right now in youth culture. Talk to your kid about this!”, and as they find out that we’re right, the parents begin to see us (even the 24 year olds without kids) as an authority in their kids’ lives.
@Joe, good stuff. I’ve found that sincere concern and confidence goes a long way with parents. I never claimed to have all the answers, but I have had some helpful ideas from time to time, and some parents were coming to me for advice when I was only 18 or 19.
Excellent article. I’ll admit, maybe I’m an exception here? When my oldest hit jr. high I didn’t want him in a youth group because I’d met my share of leaders that had an “I know better than the parent” attitude(even the church had a ‘give your kid over to the youth group - how could you possibly do it without them’ mentality - sooo not me). I’ll also admit that since that time I’ve met more amazing youth leaders that did not have that attitude and have raised my respect of who they are and who they are to my kids!
So, how can you help parents be better parents? Somehow I think that has to be parents networking with other parents. Can youth ministry foster/sponsor that? Sure! We can stay in the loop with the topics in YM so we can talk with our kids about what they are learning. We can have panel discussions about how parents have handled certain things with their kids. We can get together to pray for our kids and each other as we parent our kids.
So, how do I (as a parent of teens) see your role in my kids life? For a dozen years I’ve raised that kid to read the Bible, pray and live life accordingly. When there are young people in a church body that love the Lord and are walking in His ways and they show my kid how God is working in their lives, that confirms what we’ve been teaching them all these years (and “we” or the pastor didn’t somehow just make it up) Sometimes that kid needs some one-on-one time with a young man or woman of God. Someone to challenge them individually. Discipleship. You mentioned discipleship, Nate. “And why do some parents put so much pressure on youth pastors to disciple their students…” Many teens ‘blow off’ their parents when they encourage them to read the Bible/pray (and that is as far in the subject their teen will let them go). Having a young man/woman of God challenge them -individually- to go deeper can make a huge difference! This topic might be a good one for youth leaders and parents to have a ’round table discussion’ about. (I have some ideas :) )
I think you’re on the right track. However, I think there is a tension/balance that must be realized…
Youth workers are not parents, and they should not replace parents, but they have a great opportunity to come alongside parents and offer things that parents can’t. They have avenues into the lives of youth that parents may not have. They have a different kind of trust, love, and understanding than parents do. Notice is said “different kind,” not “better.” What do we make of those opportunities?
If the parents aren’t “parenting” should that raise the question of who is discipling the parents? Is that the job of someone working with adult ministries? Youth ministries?
We all need to be working together towards a common goal. What is it?
@Tammy, sounds like you take your parental role as the spiritual leader seriously. Congrats! You probably represent, unfortunately, a small percentage of the Christian parenting community. So yes, to some degree, you probably are an exception ;)
A great majority of parents feel like they have little or no control of their teens, let along their walk with God. As their kids become teens, they are finally realizing that they did not spend that time discipling them in the Lord like they should have, and now they’re starting to panic.
That might be one piece of the puzzle?
Parent discussions sounds like a great idea!
@CMcGill, you’re so right. Youth pastors have a unique opportunity to speak into the lives of teens–not nearly as unique or special as a parent’s role, but unique nonetheless.
I think our common goal is discipling young people in God’s truth, the reality of Jesus’ life and death, and the truth of scripture. That’s the destination.